Name another movie that mislead you?
You Might Also Like
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
23. the denim jacket
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Don’t talk down to me
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop