*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
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Wordle is trying to tell me something
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If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Aight bet
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*