At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
You Might Also Like
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Based Erika
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Happy weekend !
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Sorry not sorry.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.