A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
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Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.