Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
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A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead