[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
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My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.