Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
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Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave