Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
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I like it thick and deep
Pizza
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
guys I’m going home
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
no refunds
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am