I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
You Might Also Like
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
time for some seasonal decor
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.