*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
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If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Morning my dudes.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.