“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
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I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Breaking news:
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.