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About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Watson was Holmes schooled
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…