Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
You Might Also Like
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
live, laugh, laundry.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.