A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
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Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Sex so good you see dead people.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours