Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
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I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.