I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
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[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Who’s your best friend?
eating my hot dog hamburger style
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up