I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
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Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective