I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
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Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.