You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
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[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?