My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
You Might Also Like
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.