[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
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Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
just witnessed a drug deal
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir