Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
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me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
WTF
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
so weird how every mom was born today
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”