I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
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This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.