Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
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Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.