*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
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Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
You are not alone 💚
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.