I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
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Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
So glad we cleared that up
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
“Huge”.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.