Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
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NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!