Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
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Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single