Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
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ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.