every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
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ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
new wife guy just dropped
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up