We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
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Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
asking santa clause for nudes
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.