Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
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Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
*serious situation*
My brain:
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat