Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
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[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
my one true gender
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]