ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
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I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy