My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
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8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
I’ll be mad as hell!
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
The dark side of Canada
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores