[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
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I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Still my favourite meme.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
🤣🤣🤣
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
this chia pet tastes awful
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul