Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
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*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
based al yankovic
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!