you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
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Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang