*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
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16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn鈥檛 a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
馃槉馃
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 馃馃
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you鈥檙e an overachiever.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don鈥檛 want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off