Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
You Might Also Like
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
#oldknees
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
*puts words between two asterisks*
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.