robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
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Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
Meow
🏙👨🏼
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
pls suprot
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?