Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
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a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”