We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
You Might Also Like
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.