Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
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The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!