having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
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Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.