I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
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My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!