Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
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[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Has there ever been a more American story?
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.