Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
You Might Also Like
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
“Wait, let me explain..”
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team