Finally!
You Might Also Like
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga