I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
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People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out